10 things we hate about London
Yes, London is one of the most influential cities in the world, and part of us does have a lot of love for it. But it smells. Like really bad.
1. Transport – It sucks. The tube is the bane of our lives. You pay oh-so-much to be shoved under someone’s armpit and have some business man read the newspaper over your shoulder, all to go one stop because people are too lazy to walk. Buses are ok unless you are travelling in peak times in which case AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE. As with the overground, that quite often is like ‘nah ya know what, I don’t wanna run on time kay thanks enjoy your day’.
2. Pervs – Somehow they are more creepy in London.The kind that will stare you down until you give some kind of response. Even if it’s a middle finger, they are just happy you acknowledged them. London etiquette is to avoid eye contact at all times, clearly these guys missed initiation day.
3. The Smells – We could do a whole post on just the smells of London. Take our road, a short 5 minute walk and you WILL be blasted by the following smells: gas, egg, poo, piss, car fumes, curry and pizza/general grease. And puke if taking a late night stroll. Happy smelling.
4. Tourists – Sorry. But you drive us insane. Put your selfie stick away because literally no one cares and you’re in my way. The London pace, everyone who lives or commutes here understands that you follow the London rush. Tourists do not get this. You have all the time in the world before your next train? No one cares, you run for that train like it’s the last one. We will also accept a fast walk.
5. Oxford Street on the weekend – Whatever you do, don’t go to Oxford Street on the weekend. Unless you have a fetish for large crowds who will crush every inch of your bones to get into the Topshop Sale. Speaking of a Topshop sale; prepared to be dazzled by chokers, flatforms and black nail varnish courtesy of annoying indie girls. Just saying.
6. Chicken Shops – Now we don’t hate them, we actually have a love/hate relationship with them. We will most likely do a whole other post on the variety of the cheap chicken shops and their hilarious names. But they are on this list because there are just so many of them. North London is chicken shop heaven.
7. The Expense – Oh you wanted a cup of tea? That’s £4.50 please, plus 12.5% service charge and it’s rude not to tip don’t ya know.
And now a short story by Vanilla and Caramel; an example of a night out in central London – Enter bar with crazy entrance fee, purchase 2 drinks, 1 shot and a mixer each. Neck it because it’s served in a tiny glass. Get the bill. Bill says £19 please. Cry. The end.
8. Foxes – If you think you don’t have a pet then think again, you have a pet fox. They are creepy and seedy, and make extremely annoying noises when you are trying to get to sleep 😦
9. The many types of people – There are some seriously crazy people in London. The other night we were given a business card by a man selling weed, coke and ket. It was very stressful. In addition, when walking in Camden be prepared to have 20 mixtapes (from the 20 best new emerging hip hop artists) shoved in your face. And possibly abuse shouted at you if you do not accept said mixtape.
10. Pushy promotions – Cue Brick Lane and it’s countless Indian restaurants who ALL INSIST YOU NEED A CURRY. A whole Curry for £3.99 in Brick Lane…It’s a thing. And don’t forget the nightclub promoters who will literally give you head to get you into that club. Girl or guy. They have no preference. They will find you.